Posted by on Sep 7, 2011 in bad neighbors, living next to cruddy people, what's with all the dogs? | 0 comments

We live in a condo. As such, we expect a fair amount of neighborly annoyances that come with sharing walls.

However, I estimate that we met and exceeded that “fair amount” with the unit next to us about 4 years ago.
First, we had the family. Two parents, two kids, two cats, a dog. They lived next to us for a year or so before they moved to a different unit downstairs. We still see/hear them regularly. The mom yells at the kids a lot. One kid is the definition of a “cry baby.” Kid whines and cries NON-STOP, but no one pays him any attention. In addition, the dog is very large and very loud. And he doesn’t like Mike. Every time Mike walks past that unit, the dog charges the screen door. One of these days, we expect the screen door to lose the battle.
Not great neighbors, but could be worse.
After they moved out, a guy moved in. He brought with him his girlfriend, their two kids, and his mom. Not sure what the sleeping arrangements were in that two-bedroom unit, but that was the least of their problems. They lived next to us for a couple of years. They put tin foil up in the windows. They smoked some interesting substances that traveled through the shared ducts and came out through the vents in our bathrooms. They fought, violently (we had to call the cops twice for domestic violence). They left their garbage on the front porch for weeks on end. In the heat of the summer. Yep, it was delicious.
Circa 2009. Yes, it got to the point where we started taking photos for documentation. Yes, that is a garbage bag randomly thrown out into the common area and abandoned. If you look closely, you can see the tin foil creeping out the side of the window on the left (and the broken liquor bottle underneath it).
Oh, and the dude carried a gun everywhere he went. He once accidentally shot off that gun, and the bullet traveled through his hand and then shattered the back windshield of his car.
(He never bothered to wash the blood off the car, in case you’re wondering.)
Oh, and they had a big dog that they allowed to poop on the porch. In the heat of the summer. Again, quite delicious.
Dude eventually realized he didn’t really like his girlfriend all that much, so he started dating another chick. That created a rift in the relationship, as you might imagine, and one by one, that family moved out.
Then we got Becky. (Cue a chorus of singing angels.)
Becky was a single, middle-aged lady who occasionally watched a couple of her grandkids. She was sweet, she was quiet, and her grandkids were well-behaved. The only slightly annoying thing about her was her yappy little Chihuahua, Jake. Jake didn’t like us, despite many attempts on our part to become friends. Becky always left her front door open, and every time we’d walk in or out of our place, Jake would run out and yell, “YIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIP!” and Becky would yell, “JAKE! STOP IT, JAKE! YOU KNOW THEM! JAKE!”
She only lived there for 6 months.
Then we got the single mom with her two kids, brother and – you guessed it – huge dog. But the mom decided she wasn’t all that interested in the whole “parenting” thing, so she just sort of left the kids with the brother for days on end. The brother was a decent guy, except for his habit of playing video games. The kind with lots of shooting. At 2 a.m. With the subwoofer on. The dog, once again, was not our biggest fan. And this one looked mean. He growled. Every time I walked past him holding Ryan, I pondered how I should react to protect my kid if he finally managed to leap over his metal gate.
The brother eventually got fed up with being a full-time nanny and moved out. Since the mom was never there anyway, she found someplace else to store the kids and the dog and then she moved out, too.
We’ve had our current neighbors – a sweet, quiet couple – for about two weeks. The woman is pregnant. They are polite. They drive nice cars – sans blood – and they moved in nice furniture. They put up blinds instead of tin foil. We’ve never heard a single sound come out of their place. And they have a cute little dog who never barks.  Awesome, we said. Finally! We have EARNED these neighbors! Maybe we’ll even be friends! They’ll have kids, we’ll have kids, we’ll all live in peace and quiet with lovely children playing peacefully and quietly together.
Every morning for the past three days, that sweet little dog has squeezed through their gate, squeezed through our gate and left us a nice little “present” at our front door.
It’s time for us to move, right?

Mama’s Losin’ It